THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, December 2, 2021

Edition 14

HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US, POLE REPORTS HIGH VOLUME

By: Roman

December marks the final month of the observable calendar year, but it also marks the true beginning of the winter and holiday season.

According to nostalogists, several seasonal dimensions are expected to come back throughout the month, in accordance to various holiday memories and nostalgia being unlocked. Essentially, a big nostalgia wave is coming, and it’s bringing many wintry dimensions back.

Most importantly, the Pole dimension is making its public appearance again soon, but they’re already reporting high volume in terms of calls, appointment requests, and mail. One of the Pole’s top secretaries explains the situation going on there.

“Well there’s a lot of people in the dream world wondering if they’re on ‘The List’ or not this year!” Rainier, Secretary of Christmas Affairs, told the Tribune, “I’ve been in charge of handling a lot of situations and matters for Christmas for over half a century now, and it never surprises me how many people call up asking if they’ve been good or bad!”

Rainier explains that throughout the year, the Pole sends out agents in disguise across the dream world keeping track of who’s been nice and who’s been naughty. The Pole has a record of every single individual in the dream world that resets each year, while old records are kept in archives. Those who have been nice receive presents directly from the man himself, while those who have been naughty do not.

“In recent years, we’ve seen ‘naughty’ reports go down, but there’s just always people who have been bad! It hurts my heart, but I know this year will be better! People are always welcome to contact us or schedule an appointment to come visit, but we can never reveal one’s own status- it’s top secret!” Rainier says, “You really just have to wait until Christmas to see if you’ve been good or bad. At the end of the day, just be nice! No need for any anger or rudeness in the dream world. It’s better to spread kindness!” 

The Pole dimension will be opening publicly for tours and visits soon, but keep in mind that you may experience high volume in trying to contact any of their offices.

BEACH FREEZES OVER, SKATING DIMENSION IS BACK 

By: Porter

The Dimension Weather Prediction Service has correctly forecasted that the Beach dimension would be freezing over, and it has returned with a touch of Jack Frost.

The DWPS issued a “Freeze Alert” for the dimension, which indicates that freezing weather is currently occurring there and could be life-threatening to those who are not properly adapted to the cold weather. While freezing weather is occurring, there are no reports of snow, but mostly ice and snow covered sand. 

“Yeah, it’s cold in here!” Nate told me, “But this happens every year. While it’s weird to see a beach be frozen over, it’s a normal yearly occurrence. I kind of like it! At long last, my scarf can keep me toasty here!”

While the beach is frozen, it’s expected to remain that way for the rest of the season. “The Beach during December is pretty with the holiday-related stuff, but it comes back again later in the season and it’s still frozen! I like this version of the beach!” Nate told me.

Besides the Beach dimension returning, the Skating dimension has also returned, and there are visitors coming to show off their moves on the ice.

“It’s pretty cold in this dimension, but I love the ice! It’s a very good place to practice figure skating,” a local ice skater told me. Others prefer to watch from afar. “I love watching my friends on the ice. I can’t figure skate, but I’ll root for them!” said a local bystander.

The Skating dimension is one of those seasonal dimensions that stays for a while. It’s expected to be public through the rest of the winter season, until mid-March. Until then, it’s public for anyone to stop by.

The Beach dimension will be public until early January, on the contrary. Visitors are asked to bundle up and expect freezing temperatures if they go there.

Q/A: Ask Nate

Dear Nate, what’s up with Santa Claus in the dream world?
By: Chris Cringel 

Hello Chris! The story of Santa Claus in the dream world is pretty interesting! It all begins in the real world though.

Believe it or not, yes, Santa was real in the real world at one point! Santa relies on magic to get across the real world to deliver his presents and such, but at one point, the magic began to die down and he didn’t know where else to go. Upon hearing of the dream world, he moved his operations down here where magic is always abundant and people really believed in him. The Council approved of his operations, but his base at the Pole dimension is not under Council jurisdiction, per se. Even the DPF doesn’t have jurisdiction there, but he keeps it very well run with all of his staff!

His staff is a mixture of elves, reindeer, reindeer hybrids, and others who look for work year-round. While the man himself is usually never seen, he actually does visit the dream world. You may have probably met Santa at some point, but he always disguises himself! He might do this for fun, or for keeping a record of people, but always be nice to everyone...you never know who you’re really dealing with!

The Pole dimension is very nice! I’ve been there a few times in the past, usually trying to negotiate for someone in particular, but always end up failing. Still, I haven’t seen Santa himself, but he’s real! Just don’t expect to demand to see the man himself if you get a chance to visit, because chances are, Rainier will simply kick you out of the Pole and probably make a referral to put you on the naughty side of “The List” and would you really want that for yourself?!

December is Santa's busiest month, so you will have less luck to even catch a glimpse of him. Some lucky humans have in the past, but now he spends his life down here in the dream world where he’s safer and has more than enough Christmas magic to keep his operations running. I guess he doesn’t like being seen so publicly in the dream world. Remind you of anyone? 

Dear Nate, what’s considered “ancient” and what’s considered “young”?
By: Kidd Elder

Hi Kidd! The definitions of “ancient” and “young” have changed throughout the years- thank the Council for that- but there’s a certain age that things are considered one thing and another.

Anything ranging from an object, person, place, thing is considered ancient if it hits 2,000 years old. It can be an artifact, a dimension, a manuscript, and an individual too. I’m considered ancient since I’m over 2,500 years old! Lucid is much older than me, he’s over 5,000! He’s very much ancient, but not one of the oldest in the dream world.

Anything ranging from an object, person, place, thing is considered young if it is less than 200 years old. Same rule applies from above, so someone who is 50 is very young! Anything in between 200 and 2,000 is considered normal age- not too young, but not too old.

Time behaves differently in the dream world than in the real world, and sometimes it doesn’t make sense, heck, a lot of things in the dream world don’t make sense! It’s best to always ask and do your research if you’re not about something down here. Or, you could just ask me to answer in the newspaper. I may be ancient, but I still got the hang of answering questions!

Upcoming Events:

Now- Beach dimension returns: The Snow Miser really came by to freeze things, didn’t he? Look at that, snow...on a beach! 

Now- Seasonal dimension pops up: I’m not a good skater, actually I don’t even skate at all, bro.

December 9- Holiday Party 2021 construction: This is crazy, but this party might be one of the longest ones you’ll ever attend!

December 16- Holiday Party 2021: Rainier would love for you to come visit, but he’d rather you check out the party first than come bug him at the Pole dimension…

December 16- Almoral’s mansion returns: Almoral is more of a Halloween type of guy, but that’s not to say he won’t get his holiday spirit on! (No necromancer pun intended.)