THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, August 25, 2022

Edition 52

PATCH DIMENSION TO REAPPEAR NEXT WEEK

By: Porter

Nostalgists are making their forecasts and anticipating the return of the Patch dimension next week which coincides with the official start of autumn in the dream world.

According to the historical record, autumn brings about seasonal dimensions relating to the season. This includes the Patch dimension which has been reappearing every autumn for several years now. The dimension hosts Cal, a reclusive farmer who owns the land and provides pumpkins throughout the season for those who visit. 

Cal himself is not really seen often in his patch, and is rumoured to be hiding the largest pumpkin in his collection. While the mysterious farmer himself is rarely seen, people enjoy visiting the dimension because of the fall-like atmosphere.

“I love going there! Pumpkins…red leaves…corn and hay…it’s literally autumn!” a local squid person told me.

“We often get our pumpkin’s from Cal,” local Apartments resident Epsilon told me, “His pumpkins have given us food dishes and Halloween decorations, so we enjoy going to his farm to obtain them directly from his land.”

“I love autumn and I love pumpkins! What’s autumn without some pumpkins, right? Gotta have pumpkins!” a local bat person said to me.

So far, there isn’t any word as to if Cal is going to be making an appearance once the dimension reappears, but he may end up being out of sight for most of the season, which seems to be the precedent. Regardless, Figment of the Backrooms is promising to reopen a portal there once it is confirmed that it is back.

“Duh! Of course I’m gonna open a portal there once it comes back! Everyone loves the Patch dimension and should get a chance to visit it, y’know?” Fig told me.

The Patch dimension is scheduled to return next week. Visitors are being asked ahead of time to expect some lines and crowds once it does.

AUTUMN COULD SEE START OF SEASONAL ILLNESS

By: Roman

As cooler weather approaches for autumn, the Dimension Disease Control and Protection is reminding everyone of the upcoming seasonal arrival of the RADS virus.

RADS, short for Recurring Abnormal Dream Syndrome, is caused by a virus that does just that. It causes individuals to have very vivid and strange dreams that recur every time the person goes to sleep. The illness is not dangerous and doesn’t take too long to recover from it, but it can be annoying and bothersome to those who have to relive the same dream over and over again.

RADS spreads primarily through close contact of respiratory droplets, such as coughing, sneezing, and through mucus. RADS tends to become prevalent in the autumn when temperatures are just right for it to spread- not too hot and not too cold.

According to head virologist at the DDCP, Chiaki, the disease has been around the dream world for about three thousand years since it was first reported, and cases of it trend up in the autumn. In recent years, cases typically peak around eleven thousand and trend downward towards early November.

“RADS is pesky because it makes us have the same dream over and over again for usually a week or two,” Chiaki says, “Imagine yourself having the same dream of being in front of a large audience time and time again. It’s annoying, but luckily, it’s not dangerous.”

When asked about medication, she says there are some over-the-counter remedies.

“If diagnosed with RADS, you can head to a local pharmacy to help ease the symptoms. Not only will your sneezes and coughs become more controlled, your dreams will be less vivid and shorten the time you’ll have to relive the dream as the days go on.”

It is not known how or where RADS originated from, but years of research have brought forth remedies and medicines for it. The best recommendation from the DDCP is to cover your coughs and sneezes- like you usually should anyway.

“The best way to prevent diseases from spreading is to cover your sneezes and coughs, and to stay at home if you don’t feel well,” Chiaki says, “We’re always monitoring illnesses through the dream world, so don’t be scared! This year doesn’t look to be anything abnormal for RADS, but if something comes up, we’ll notify the public!”

Q/A: Ask Epsilon

Dear Epsilon, what does your morning routine consist of?
By: Maury Neen

Hello Maury. I wake up early around 6 because that’s also when Dylan wakes up to get ready for work on a weekday. I usually handle making breakfast during the work week while Dylan gets ready. After he leaves, I do my hygiene in the bathroom and then head out for my morning jog in the dream world. After my jog, I head to the local gym for an hour and then come back home to shower. By then, it’s around 10 and I may do house chores or go out to get groceries. It just depends on the day and what needs to be done.

Dear Epsilon, do you prefer milk or dark chocolate?
By: Joe Collette

Hello Joe. I enjoy dark chocolate more than milk and the other types. It’s been proven that dark chocolate is good for you, at least in certain amounts.

Dear Epsilon, are you able to purr like a regular cat?
By: Kitt N.

Hello Kitt. Ahem, yes, I am able to purr like a regular cat. Just don’t expect me to do it to random strangers or even close friends. Honestly, that’s embarrassing.

Dear Epsilon, how many branches are there within the DPF?
By: Barry U.

Hello Barry. There are several, but I don’t have the exact number off the top of my head right now. There are several bureaus, or departments, within the DPF and kind of have their own rules and authority over some things, but not quite. For example, the DDCP handles diseases in the dream world- we know this, the Bureau of Real World Affairs handles matters relating to the real world; you’ll often be visiting them if you’re one of the very few who have access to the real world or you’re a lost human, the Bureau of Licensing and Registration- or BLR- handles all licences in the dream world, whether it be for driving a car, opening portals, changing the weather, flying, etc. They’re often pretty busy…

There are more bureaus within the DPF that deal with other matters, but all are important in keeping the dream world running smoothly. Now do you know why the DPF doesn’t disclose the number of members within it? There’s a lot going on, and I’m not sure if they keep count…

Dear Epsilon, do you paint your nails?
By: Clawd Eia

Hello Clawd. I tend to paint my claws (really, they’re sharp edged nails) black or white whenever I can. If it’s black, I switch to white and vice versa.

Dear Epsilon, do you enjoy eating pumpkins?
By: Samson E.

Hello Samson. Pumpkins are best in the autumn and I often go get them from Cal. I always make pumpkin pie with his pumpkins, but I also use them for other dishes and decorations for Halloween. Maybe you will see me at the Patch next week looking for some to take home.

Hey Epsilon! We have to get together again and finish our game of bingo!!
By: Almoral

Ah yes, hello Almoral. Yes, I remember we did not finish our game of bingo the other week, but if I recall correctly, you kept losing and demanded us to keep playing until you won to the point where Dylan decided to team up with you and go against me. Sigh. I suppose we can finish it sometime soon, but please, we can only handle so much bingo.

Dear Epsilon, did you enjoy your summer?
By: Vay Cayjun

Hello Vay. I did enjoy my summer- thank you for asking. This summer was…unexpected. At one point, it was spent at the Beach, but Dylan kept asking for us to go on an adventure. Well, about two weeks later or so, we did actually go on an adventure, far out of this world. If I’m honest with you, this adventure really opened my eyes and made me realise something about myself that I used to be afraid of. I think… I think I’m going to be alright in the future… I’m just glad to have had Dylan by my side through the end, and having met a new tiny friend. The two of us will go pay them a visit soon, but overall, this summer was great and it made me realise that Dylan and I…we make a good team.

Upcoming Events:

Now- New dimension portal: Need a rest? Book a stay at Mason’s Motel!

September 1- Birthday Party: You may not believe what’s on TV, but you better believe it when we say there’s a birthday party being thrown for a TV! No, seriously.

September 1- Patch dimension returns: Get a taste of autumn with the return of the Patch!

September 8- Prelude to next event: Now that the rift is contained, surely the dream world is safe from anything weird…right?