THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, December 16, 2021

Edition 16

DREAM WORLD BEGINS OBSERVATION OF HOLIDAY SEASON

By: Porter

The holiday season has officially kicked off across the dream world. Multiple dimensions have gone into Christmas mode and many dimensions are also reporting low temperatures and snow. The Dimension Weather Prediction Service says that this is normal for this time of year.

“Many dimensions undergo freezing weather conditions during this time of year, and many of them also report ongoing snow precipitation!” Cirrus, senior meteorologist at the DWPS says, “While it may seem bizarre for a dimension like the Desert to be reporting snow, it’s pretty normal during this time of the observable year.”

Among the dimensions reporting snow is the Apartments dimension, where some occupants were seen out admiring the snow. “I’ve always thought snow is so wonderful to look at,” Epsilon told me, “So when I looked out the window and saw it was snowing, I just had to get out and admire it for a bit.”

While some face the cold, others head into warm buildings to escape it and get cozy. “You know, it’s normal for people to come in here and chill when it’s cold outside,” Artisan of the Cafe dimension says, “Sales of hot chocolate go up, and that means business!” 

A few seasonal dimensions have also returned, but the most curious one has just had its portal opened up. The Pole dimension has gotten easy access in the Backrooms, and many curious visitors have stumbled in to catch a glimpse of the Christmas village.

The holiday season in the dream world is expected to last almost an entire month. Dream world citizens are asked to partake in festivities and advised to bundle up if they are visiting a dimension that is freezing and experiencing snow.

MESSAGE TO INDIVIDUALS VISITING THE POLE DIMENSION

By: Rainier

Greetings Tribune readers! My name is Rainier, and I am the Secretary of Christmas Affairs! I’ve been getting a lot of news that many people have traveled to the Pole dimension in an effort to know whether or not they have been good or bad, and to that I say, quit it!

Per Pole protocols, none of Santa’s helpers are allowed to disclose whether or not someone has been deemed good or bad. I understand it can be frustrating to not know if you’re getting something this year, but you should have an idea of if you’ve been good or bad by the way you acted this year!

Keep in mind, the big man himself is very forgiving. You may be on the bad side of “The List” but you quite literally have until Christmas Day to reverse all of that bad energy in one night. There have been many instances where someone deemed bad has reversed that energy on Christmas Eve and ended up receiving a present or two! Although, if you want to play it safe, you should just be nice to people all the time. Otherwise you’ll end up in my office wondering what side you’re on and I have to say that we cannot disclose that information!

Plus, Pole headquarters are a bit frantic right now since it’s so close to Christmas. I can’t guarantee that you will be received with a Pole representative since we are quite booked with appointments. While most appointments are about questions regarding operations and behind the scenes stuff, we do get a lot of traffic for “List” related questions. It happens year after year, we’re all used to it by now.

But while you’re at the Pole, why not go around and visit the different businesses we have? Visit the bakery! Visit the reindeer stables! Visit the gift wrapping hall! There are a lot of different places to check out, and I’m sure no one will mind if you’re out touring the village. 

So, Christmas is coming, but please remember that we can’t disclose any information about “The List” to anyone. You’ve been warned!

Q/A: Ask Rainier

Dear Rainier, what’s your favorite thing to do when you’re not busy?
By: Bray K.

Hi Bray! Tending to Santa’s reindeer in the stables is always a fun thing to do. Getting to feed them is a lot of fun, and they’re all so nice to me too! I don’t have favorites, so don’t assume anything!

Dear Rainier, how long have you been the Secretary of Christmas Affairs for?
By: Ellie Lect

Hi Ellie! The post for this job is always done by a vote. I was sworn into this post about 30 years ago! I’m only the third to have this particular post, and it’s a lifetime job, unless I consider stepping down or I get fired…but the other two previous secretaries stepped down, and I don’t have plans on doing that anytime soon!

Dear Rainier, what’s your favorite holiday besides Christmas?
By: Holly Daze

Hello Holly! Hmm, if I were to choose my favorite holiday other than Christmas, I would say Valentine’s day. There’s nothing better than spreading love! Have you met Cupid, by the way? They are quite charming and nice!

Dear Rainier, can you talk to the reindeer?
By: Ganyu Speek

Hi Ganyu! Yes, I can. Being part reindeer allows me to speak to Santa’s reindeer, or any deer really, with ease. This comes in handy when they need something but no one else knows what they want. They tell me secrets too…

Dear Rainier, okay you won’t tell me if I’ve been good or bad, but what’s my present then?
By: Almoral

Almoral, we have gone over this multiple times before. I still can’t reveal what your present is IF you are getting something. But if you really want to know something else, yes, Santa has received your letter. All 219 of them. He knows.

Dear Rainier, what’s your favorite Christmas song?
By: Carrol Singers

Hello Carrol! There are so many songs to choose from! I would say my personal favorite is Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song” and he is a very great artist!

Dear Rainier, how old do you think you’ll be?
By: Eva Lastings

Hi Eva! Well, I was made from pure magic, so that means I’ll live on forever! Yes, I’m immortal. There’s nothing that can really take me down, but I’ll get to spread joy and happiness for eons!

Dear Rainier, are fugitives allowed to receive presents?
By: Jay Cell

Hello Jay! Per protocols established here at Pole HQ, those who are considered fugitives, criminals, and active prisoners are not allowed to receive presents. Santa might be quite forgiving, but one deal struck with the Council of the dream world is that anyone deemed a threat such as a runway fugitive or criminal, is ineligible to receive presents from the big man himself. Believe me, it hurts me to say that, but a deal is a deal!

Upcoming Events:

Now- Holiday Party 2021: The most festive and cheerful party of the year has arrived! Grab some PJs, some cookies and hot chocolate, sit by the fire, and crank up Mariah Carey on the radio…we got a party to attend to!

Now- Almoral’s mansion returns: This big, loud necromancer has opened up his mansion to the public because let’s face it: he gets quite lonely in there and he needs the company to clear his mind…

December 23- Pole HQ access: So you’re really going to try and get Rainier to tell you if you’ve been good or bad, huh? Well, don’t expect to get an answer so easily…you’ve been warned!

December 23- Dinner dimension returns: Let us gather around the table once more and reflect on our accomplishments this year, and no worries if you got nothing to share. All I did this year was write these descriptions…

December 30- New Year’s Party 2021: And so the observable year slowly comes to a close, but that doesn’t mean we can’t close it without a bang!