THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Edition 22

EXCESSIVE SNOWFALL BRINGS DREAM WORLD TO A HALT

By: Porter

The dream world is in a complete standstill following days of intense snowfall that has virtually halted travel across the dimensions.

According to the Dimension Weather Prediction Service, every single non-winter outdoor dimension in the dream world is under some sort of freeze and winter weather alert for ongoing freezing and snow conditions. This is the first time in the agency’s history that they have had to issue such advisories for every single non-winter outdoor dimension.

While snow was anticipated for many dimensions, it soon came to all outdoor dimensions, and it hasn’t stopped since. Ongoing snow has piled up and made many dimensions near impassible, leading many services to come to a stop and postpone services, including the Dimension Postal Delivery Service.

“We are temporarily suspending DPDS postal deliveries and services until further notice,” DPDS Chief Kaige says, “I cannot risk any postal worker to go out in this weather. We will wait out the storm.”

DWPS senior meteorologist, Cirrus, is reassuring the public that this will soon pass. 

“Yes, models are indicating that snow will begin to taper off next week. We just didn’t expect all of this record breaking, excess snowfall. A press conference will be held soon to address the ongoing weather situation,” she stated.

Meanwhile, the Dimension Protection Force has had to close down the Plaza dimension, following an emergency bulletin issued by the DWPS. They tell us that the dimension will remain closed until the weather clears and business can go back to normal. The Plaza has been reporting meters of snow following a month of non-stop snow.

DWPS states that they will hold a press conference on Saturday to address the ongoing extreme weather situation in the dream world, as well as take questions from the press and other agencies. For more information, please visit their website or contact them via telephone.

DPF URGES EVERYONE TO STAY INDOORS

By: Nate

Hiya everyone! It’s everyone’s favorite, cute, little dream demon here reporting on news directly coming from DPF headquarters.

Head staff at the DPF is telling me to go tell you to stay home! Yes, you! In fact, everyone!

The dream world has come to a crawl in almost all the outdoor dimensions because of all the snow, and it’s becoming very unsafe! We’re recommending that everyone stay inside and shelter in place while the snow passes.

The weather is making several agencies and services have to pause their usual travel across the dream world, and that includes emergency services! The fire and medical departments have suspended travel in virtually all outdoor dimensions because the weather has become too hazardous to go respond to emergency situations. It’s why we’re urging everyone to stay home and shelter in place. We want to minimize the amount of potential injury and need to contact emergency services from individuals. Keep in mind that if you are in an emergency, you may not receive assistance until the weather clears enough for our agents to be safe. 

Elsewhere, some DPF agents have been mobilized to assist with food and drink deliveries to some dimensions, particularly to dimensions with high populations such as the Apartments or District. We’re aware that our phone lines are clogged, but please limit calls to emergencies only. We will try our best to assist the most people we can, despite other emergency services being suspended at the moment.

The DPF is speaking with the DWPS to coordinate any additional dimension lockdowns, should more emergency bulletins be issued. Regardless if you are caught or not in an emergency warned area, we are recommending everyone to stay indoors. 

Yes, this is a truly freak weather occurrence that I can’t explain. The workers at the DWPS are working overtime to try and monitor changing conditions, so don’t give them too much flack! The DPF has launched an investigation to determine the causes of this extreme weather event, and whether or not the DWPS was involved in it. 

In the meantime, please stay home! We can’t stress how unsafe it is out there for traveling. But hey, staying indoors isn’t all too bad. Board games, watching TV, playing your favorite computer game, chatting with friends online…the indoors can be cool! Just stay home, please, this will all come to soon pass! Stay tuned to the DPF or DWPS for any additional future updates.

Q/A: Ask Cirrus

Dear Cirrus, how many DWPS offices are there in the dream world?
By: O. F. Z.

Hello O! There are 51 DWPS offices scattered across the dream world, not including the headquarters. All offices are open to the public for any resources or information!

Dear Cirrus, can anyone work at the DWPS?
By: Hardee Work

Hello Hardee! Yes, anyone can apply to the DWPS, just as long as you do not have anything on your personal criminal record. You’ll have to undergo training, regardless of position. A majority of positions that are available right now are in the surveyor field, but occasionally, some other positions in other fields will open up!

Dear Cirrus, does the DWPS track other non-weather phenomenon?
By: Vul Kanos

Hello Vul! The DWPS also tracks some non-weather related phenomenon including tsunamis, volcanos, dreamquakes, etc. We also issue advisories for these types of events just like actual weather related events.

Dear Cirrus, what’s your favorite food?
By: Apete Tyser

Hello Apete! I enjoy water in all its forms- solid, liquid, and gas. This includes ice, liquid water, and water vapor. The diet of a cloud entity is very water based!

Dear Cirrus, is weather only tracked in outdoor dimensions?
By: Theo Utsid

Hello Theo! Yes, weather is only tracked in outdoor dimensions, because weather can only occur outside. We don’t have weather stations in indoor dimensions because of this. The only real way weather can happen in indoor dimensions is of course, through weather manipulation.

Dear Cirrus, how do seasons happen in the dream world?
By: Winter Sols

Hello Winter! Seasons are determined based on human population in the real world. Considering that a majority of humans live in the Northern Hemisphere of the Earth, this makes a majority of seasonal memories be based from that hemisphere. I feel sorry for humans in the Southern Hemisphere who fall into the dream world not knowing the seasons here are reversed for them!

Dear Cirrus, has there ever been a period in time where the weather was the same everywhere?
By: Gio Logik

Hello Gio! I think you may be referencing the ice age period in the dream world. Historical records from nostalgists at the time indicate freezing, winter weather in almost all dimensions from that time. So yes, there has been a period in time to what you are asking about.

Dear Cirrus, with all this strange, excess snow, are you sure this isn’t something to worry about?
By: Woo Ree

Hello Woo! I can assure you that this month has produced an unprecedented amount of record snowfall in various dimensions. I’ll say this, the DWPS did predict, in about two weeks of advance, that winter weather was coming to various dimensions in the dream world. We have forecast models and initial data records to back this claim up. However, we will admit that we did not see excessive amounts of snow in our forecasts that have surpassed our initial expectations. We do not know why we didn’t see this coming, and we are cooperating and speaking with DPF authorities to try and figure out where we went wrong, and if anything else was at fault for this dramatic weather event. I don’t think that this is human memory fault, our fault, or anyone in the DPF’s fault. There may be someone who successfully manipulated and/or took advantage of the winter weather in the dream world to pull such a stunt on an incredibly large scale. This is illegal and extremely reckless, and if true, the DPF would need to find them and figure out why they would do such a thing. Again, this is my theory, but we truly hope it doesn’t happen again. So no need to panic or worry, the DPF are on the case now.

Upcoming Events:

Now- Snow piles up: Dimensions become snowed in! Who are we to blame for all this snow?

Now- New rebuild: Hear that? That’s the sound of the train that’s never to come.

February 3- Beach returns: A trip to an icy beach is no fun. Talk to me when it’s summer.

February 3- New portal opens: This dimension really steps up to its name!

February 10- New party: Not to be punny, but you’re going to LOVE this party.