THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, July 21, 2022

Edition 47

DPF CONTAINS PORTAL FOR NOW, SECURES EXCESS MATTER

By: Porter

The Dimension Protection Force has announced that they have contained the strange portal that was found recently by a DPF agent.

The rift, which was the culprit of strange paint across dimensions, has been contained- but it is not necessarily closed. According to details obtained by the Tribune, the DPF cannot fully close the rift-portal, but they have instead secured it in a safe spot.

“The rift itself was an unauthorized portal that was likely opened up by someone in the dream world,” Director Ferekides explained, “We’re conducting an investigation into if the rift itself came from within the dream world, but we’re pretty sure it did. As for the portal, it appeared to be leaking interdimensional matter as well. While we cannot close it entirely, we have secured the excess matter in an undisclosed location. We cannot have it fall into the wrong hands.”

The director explains that they’re going to carefully examine the matter for any evidence of wrongdoing.

“We’re gonna send this back to the lab and have some of our folks look at it and determine if they can find any traces of DNA within the matter,” he explained, “At the same time, we’re having a team investigate for clues about how this portal even opened up in the first place. Just trust that there won’t be any more funny paint business around here.”

When asked for those in charge of the investigation he replied, “We have agents M3-0W and Hallucinate in charge of the investigation. After all, they’re the ones investigating the strange things in the dream world, so we think this is another anomaly,” he said, “Speaking of Hallucinate, I haven’t seen that little guy today. I wonder where he’s at.”

The DPF reassures the public that the situation is now under control and there is no immediate threat to the dream world. Still, they ask the public to report any suspicious behavior or anything that looks out of the ordinary.

“If you see something weird, say something!” Director Ferekides said, “The public has better eyes than we do sometimes. You all make our jobs much easier, you know?"

BEACH CLOSES DOWN FOLLOWING TROPICAL CYCLONE A22

By: Oswald

The DPF has ordered the Beach dimension to be shut down and put temporarily off limits following the arrival of Tropical Cyclone A22.

According to the weather service, tropical cyclones at the Beach during the summer are not abnormal. In fact, there’s usually around 1-2 per year that occur at the Beach.

“Yes, this isn’t anything weird, don’t worry,” Cirrus says, “What we’re looking at is average, in terms of severe weather for the summer. We still had to notify the DPF to close the Beach down while the threat passes.”

Tropical Cyclones are violent storms that contain heavy rain, strong winds, flooding, tornadoes, and storm surge. Storm surge is the biggest threat in these types of systems, as they are the biggest threat to life whenever tropical cyclones roll by.

“Storm surge is the abnormal rise of sea level that is caused by winds in a tropical cyclone pushing excess seawater towards a coastline,” Cirrus explains, “This big wall of water eventually comes on shore, much higher than a high tide, and causes extensive damage. It’s the biggest threat to life during a tropical cyclone!”

This year’s first storm is named “A22” which according to Cirrus, is part of a naming scheme designed for tropical cyclones since the DWPS was established.

“We name systems by using letters of the Latin alphabet and the year it happens. Since this is the first tropical cyclone this year, we assign it with the first letter of the Latin alphabet followed by the last two digits of the current year. Hence, ‘A22.’”

Cirrus expects this phenomenon to pass soon.

“Our weather station there is still picking up data during the storm and sending it to our offices for analysis,” she says, “It may take a while for this to pass, which is why we asked the DPF to close the dimension to not endanger any life. So hang in there folks! It’s going to be a while.”

Cirrus says to keep checking in on the DWPS’ website for official updates regarding this system. You can also visit your nearest DWPS forecasting office for additional information. 

Q/A: Ask Nate

Dear Nate, it’s been a while since you’ve taken questions! How have you been?
By: Ben A. Wile

Hi Ben! Wow! It’s been so long, hasn’t it?! Gee, I’ve been really busy with that whole investigation that I missed being here and answering people’s questions. I’ve been okay! Just a little stressed, but I managed to come through and fill in for Epsilon who’s a little busy at that moment… I’ll be here in the meantime, so don’t you worry! 

Dear Nate, why do dream world creatures live for so long?
By: Tai M.

Hi Tai! I see you’ve noticed that a lot of people in the dream world live pretty long lives. Look at me, I’m over two thousand and a half! Yes, I am subject to grandpa jokes…but I don’t mind! 

From what I understand, there’s a strange phenomenon in the dream world that causes everyone to age slower than normal which in turn leads to long lives. Lucid explained it to me once, but I’m going to try and explain it the best I can. Essentially, it’s something he coined as “Universal Aging Time Compression” which sounds confusing and it kind of is.

Time in the dream world runs normally as in the real world. Yes, some dimensions may be stuck in the nighttime or daytime forever, but the clock runs at a normal pace. However, the matter in the dream world has a strange effect that causes every living thing in it to progress through time slower than what time actually is. This means that regular time moves normally, but the matter affects our bodies much slower and compresses it, causing us to age slower and live long lives.

It’s a really weird concept, and I’m sure Lucid can explain it better than I can, but the matter in the dream world just doesn’t seem to be a big influence on our bodies for us to actually progress through time, whether it be months, years, decades, or millenia. This means we live long lives, unlike humans in the real world. All universes have this phenomenon, but the compression itself varies from universe to universe it seems. Lucid knows this better than I do, hehe.

Even so, while we live long lives, there are elixirs, potions and other things to regress our aging bodies. I personally don’t take them, but if you do, I won’t judge! At the end of the day, it’s not weird to see a four thousand year old angel, a two hundred year old cat-hybrid, or a fifty year old polar bear person. The matter dispersed across the dream world just affects our bodies in a way that causes us to age slower than humans in the real world, and thus leads to pretty long lives!

Dear Nate, can we take tours across the dream world?
By: Vee Zitur

Hi Vee! Yes, you can take guided tours across the dream world! There’s an organization that provides tours to different parts of the dream world and different dimensions.

The Dimension Guided Tour Association has several posts across the dream world that allow anyone to partake in exploring the vast dream world. The DGTA has trained tour guides that often know all the “hotspots” of the dream world, areas that are pretty popular. 

I will advise you that most posts offer tours on foot. Vehicles in the dream world are only allowed in certain dimensions like the District, so you’re likely going to be walking around. Don’t worry though! I’m aware that in recent years, the DGTA has gotten access to tools for teleporting to different areas. However, they’ve also raised their prices after this addition…

If you’re really up for it, you should try a tour! There are lots of dimensions to check out and you’ll also learn the history of the dream world along the way. But if you don’t feel like paying a lot, you can always count on this little dream demon to give you a tour himself! Not to brag, but I pretty much know almost allll the cool places~

Dear Nate, do you drink?
By: Al Kohol

Hi Al! Well, at one point in my life I did, but not as much anymore. I’m not sure if I told this story yet, but Lucid actually told me to stop drinking after a really embarrassing situation where I was at a speakeasy and caused a slight commotion. Lucid had to come and drag me out of there and then he carried me all the way home while I just hung on to him all disoriented.

Lucid ended up scolding me and told me to knock it off in the future. I pouted, but maybe he was right. If I do end up drinking, it’ll be just a little every now and then. Remember, I am a two thousand year old dream demon, I’m allowed to- just not as much… Trust me, Lucid was right!

Upcoming Events:

Now- Fractured Fairytales: Travel into the strange world of Wonderland, where the fairy tales and rhymes are messed up! Help Willy get back home and find the Queen of Hearts for answers!

Now- Anniversary Party 2022 construction: You know that weird hole in the Backrooms? Something’s going on in there it seems.

July 28- Anniversary Party 2022: You voted for things to come back, and come back they will …plus a few more surprises in store…

July 28- New inventory system: The default inventory system is getting kind of crowded…