THE SUBLIMINAL TRIBUNE

Thursday, September 8, 2022

Edition 54

CAL APPEARS, CLAIMS TO BE SELLING PIES THIS SEASON

By: Porter

In a rather strange sighting, Cal of the Patch dimension has appeared, and he looks to be setting up a stand on his land.

According to Cal himself, the stand is being set up to sell pumpkin pies soon. This would be new for Cal, considering that the farmer does not have a history of selling pies in the Patch. Even stranger though, Cal is not the one who had the idea to sell pies this season.

“Well it all began when I decided to step out of my crops for a bit and check out how everyone was enjoying the Patch now that it came back,” Cal explains, “In doing so, I was approached by a man I’ve never seen before and came up to me with a ‘fantastic business opportunity!’”

Cal explains that the man did not name himself and insisted that he sell “special” pies that would boost visits to his land.

“He told me that if I just sell these pies here, I’d get to keep all of the money made from it,” he tells me, “Now, I’m not one to just accept money like that, but he told me there ain't a single catch from it. He just said the pies have special ingredients that are so delicious, it would drive more people here and boost visits to the Patch!”

When asked if the pumpkins used in the pies are his, Cal shakes his head and grunts.

“I wish! The darn stranger told me that the pumpkins used are different and not from my farm. However, he explained that more people comin' to visit would boost both the pie sales and pumpkin gathering quota. Eh, I suppose it’s a win-win.”

Despite going to sell pies, Cal doesn’t have more information on the man who came up to him.

“Not sure who he was or why he wanted to help me, but I sure hope this idea is a good one!”

Cal’s Pumpkins will begin selling pumpkin pies next week. Those interested should come back to the Patch dimension then to purchase said pies.

FIRST FEW CASES OF RADS VIRUS BEING REPORTED

By: Arial

The Dimension Disease Control and Protection agency- or the dream world’s health department- has announced that the first cases of RADS for this year’s season have begun popping up across the dream world.

Head virologist at the DDCP, Chiaki, made the announcement yesterday at a press conference at the DDCP HQ located in the District. She states that the cases are sporadic and are not something of immediate concern.

“The cases being presented to us are sporadic- that is, they appeared scattered across the dream world and not linked to a specific area. Total number of cases currently sit at 24 at the time of this press conference. Because they are sporadic and not linked to a specific area, this does not appear to be an outbreak of RADS,” she says.

RADS, or Recurring Abnormal Dream Syndrome, is caused by a virus that makes a person have the same recurring, vivid dream for numerous nights. The virus is not hazardous to a person’s life, but it is contagious and a nuisance for those who become infected. The virus spreads more easily in the autumn when temperatures are just right for it to go around infecting others.

“Right now, because the case number is low, this is not an immediate health concern to the general public and the risk of infection is low,” Chiaki states, “However, as with any other year or illness, we recommend following the usual health guidance and protocols that have been put into place to protect yourself and others.”

When asked about the upcoming season, Chiaki tells me that it’s a bit difficult to truly grasp how mild or severe RADS will spread this year, but given recent data from previous years, she sees nothing out of the ordinary.

“Normally, RADS comes in the autumn with most cases peaking during the third week of October. Right now, we’re around the average number of cases for this point in time. We expect cases to increase slowly throughout the next few weeks, so keep an eye out for possible symptoms and avoid those who are sick with it,” Chiaki tells me.

For updates and more information, be sure to visit the official DDCP website.

Q/A: Ask Epsilon

Dear Epsilon, what made you move out to live in an apartment?

By: Muven O.

Hello Muven. The decision for me to move out and leave my home behind had to do with Dylan- not that he forced me to or had any influence on that decision, but it had more to do with my family’s ideology.

After I had told them about my situation with Dylan, they laughed in my face and asked how I, a cat person, could ever look to go somewhere in life with someone of another species. They called it absurd and “stupid,” but I had decided that was the last straw. If they did not like Dylan, then I would move out and get away from them.

Since then, they do not write to me, talk to me, or try to get in touch with me. I wouldn’t say I miss home, but I just wish my family were not stuck up aristocrats with closed minds. The only real communication I have to that place is with the butler- who also happens to be the only person who didn’t treat me wrongly there. We get in touch every now and then to let each other know what’s going on. I’m truly amazed he’s stuck around for this long.

Dear Epsilon, how many secrets do you know about after being in the DPF?

By: Kauai Et

Hello Kauai. I know a lot of secrets that are considered highly sensitive, so I have to keep quiet about them. When I retired from the DPF, I was given multiple benefits solely to never reveal said secrets with anyone. While all of the benefits were quite significant and incredible, I simply asked for access to the real world.

Yes, I turned down all of those offers for access to and from the real world freely. They were hesitant to approve this, but they managed to approve it anyway with no questions asked. Still, I do have to record when I go out and come back into the dream world. The price of knowing many highly sensitive materials and information…I suppose it’s worth it.

Dear Epsilon, do you go out on the weekends?

By: Dan C.

Hello Dan. Yes, I do. I like taking Dylan out almost every weekend to different places, whether it be a restaurant, watching a movie together, or perhaps going to a club. What? You think I can’t have a little fun with such a serious face?

Dear Epsilon, what’s one tip about Lucid if someone ever meets him?

By: Maddy Vice

Hello Maddy. If you ever get the chance to talk to Lucid, just avoid asking him any “over the top” questions that may have a long explanation. He will undoubtedly give you an extremely long and complicated answer and he’ll end up rambling on and on until he snaps out of it. Don’t get me wrong- he’s extremely knowledgeable and an encyclopaedia, but…yeah.

Dear Epsilon, how did you even meet Almoral?

By: Bud D.

Hello Bud. I met Almoral through Dylan- for better or for worse. Dylan met Almoral when his postal delivery route changed for one week and made him deliver mail all the way to Almoral’s mansion. The two clicked quickly and eventually I met him when he had invited Almoral over without my consent. The three of us have a unique friendship to the point where Almoral dubbed us as “The Three Amigos,” and we’ve hung out several times ever since.

Dear Epsilon, do you lick yourself like normal cats do?

By: Phi Lynn

Hello Phi. I won’t even answer that question.

Upcoming Events:

Now- Cal appears: The strange farmer tells of a man who offered him an opportunity to make money with no catches. Surely this might help Cal bring him visitors to his land, no?

September 15- Pumpkin Pie Sale: Delicious and "irresistible" pumpkin pies will begin getting sold at the Patch! Do you think it’ll be successful or will it be a flop?

September 15- Seasonal dimension drops (pictured): Who’s going to win best in show? 

September 22- Corn Maze 2022: Cal’s weird maze of corn is coming back, and it’s just as confusing as it was last year…